The Frugal Prof

Dan Wells takes his CrossFit training seriously and he expects his clients to do the same.

He’s seen his share of injuries, pulled muscles, and shoulder sprains. He’s not a physician but in his opinion as a bad ass cross fit guru, the Corona Virus is not a real excuse to miss class.

“We’re all about overcoming obstacles and Corona is just another minor obstacle.”

While whole communities are on lock down, it’s comforting to know that some hardcore CrossFit aficionados understand what’s really important.

 

Cheers,

 

 

 

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Toilet Paper Closet is Hot New Real Estate Trend in 2020

 

Janet Monroe has seen it all in the Real Estate Market.  The savvy 17 year vet has seen the jacuzzi trend, granite countertops, wine cellars, and even backyard putting greens.  She knows her stuff.  And she says now is the time to create a spare toilet paper closet.

 

It started a few weeks ago and now everyone asks, How much toilet paper storage space does this house have?

Since toilet paper has become such an important and prized possession, having a separate closet adds protection but also security.  I mean sure you can give your maid access to some toilet paper, but do you really trust her enough to have access to all of it?

 

Real estate agents differ on how long this trend will last.  But most said it would be a challenging market and any way you can make your listing stand out, is a good thing.

 

Cheers

 

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No Such Thing as Strategic Twinkee Reserve, Say Government Officials

Since the Corona Virus Outbreak, rumors have run rampant.

Some have proven to be true like shortages of toilet paper and fights at Costco.  Others are unproven like assertions that the Corona Virus was a Chinese produced bio weapon gone wrong.

The most well known rumor is that the government keeps a strategic Twinkee Reserve for elites and high profile people in case of a global pandemic.

Twinkees are more than delicious goodness of course.  They can last for years due to their artificial ingredients.  Which is why they are one of the preferred choices of preppers and preparedness experts.

But as of today, government officials are getting frustrated by the barrage of questions and have definitely ended this rumor of the strategic Twinkee Reserve

 

Cheers

 

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Its a strange new world since the Corona Virus went into pandemic mode.  Our lives have changed.  Once looked down upon jobs are now in high demand.

Side hustles like being an Uber Driver are now needed until the economy stabilizes.

Ride sharing company Uber has been flooded with applicatons for new drivers.  As such, their hiring criteria has improved.  While before they were lucky to meet demand for drivers.  Now, they can be choosy.

As such, their new policy is only accepting Ivy League grads or High School Valedictorians.

In addition a top 10% ranking in an MBA program, or Law School will be considered.

Insiders say the  competition is fierce.

But it’s a whole new world.

 

Cheers

 

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Costco Hires Blackwater for Toilet Paper Security and Logistics

 

Tim Heaton is a decorated army veteran and saw combat action in Iraq.  He’s one of the best of the best at Blackwater Security, the security force best known for securing diplomats in war torn countries.

Tim’s mission now is guarding toilet paper for Costco.

Costco wouldn’t elaborate on their toilet paper security except to add that,  “We’re not f*cking around anymore.”

 

 

As many now realize the sudden influx of Corona Virus into the United States has created a panic for toilet paper.  Long lines and hoarding have been reported.  This makes the situation much worse.

 

Some stores went to half measures like painting the walls Pink near the toilet paper or playing classical music.

 

But Americans are in a panic for toilet paper, so guys like Tim Heaton are brought in to enforce the law.

Without law in the toilet paper aisle; there is chaos.

Take the case of sweet Walter Barry.  The sweet 88 year old Wal-Mart greeter was overwhelmed by the stampede of toilet paper frenzy last week.  He was hospitalized and is now at home resting comfortably.

“These toilet paper people are animals and they scared the sh*t out of me, but I’ll be back soon.”

Looking forward to your return Walter.

 

Stay safe, Friends

I’m Rich and I already have the Corona Vaccine

 

I’m not supposed to tell you what I am about to tell you.

But here’s the truth

The Rich people received the Corona Virus Vaccine already.  I know this because I received it too.

 

I was in Davos Switzerland for a confab of the richest of the rich.  My friend Pierre invited me.  That’s not his real name of course, but the rich people control the internet and I don’t want to get him in trouble.

Plus, he’s rich and throws the Best parties.  Great food.  Not chips and salsa, but Kobe Beef.

Where was I?

Right.  The Rich people convention in Switzerland.

We arrived by private plane.  Because of course.  And at the airport they were handing out gold bags.

The woman with the gold bags politely asked me, “Are you Rich?” And of course I said, Yes.

What you don’t realize is this happens quite frequently when you’re rich.  People give you things.

Of course, Rich people have money and you don’t need free things.  But people give you things.   You don’t believe me.  But its true.

It happens at the Academy Awards.

It happens at the Airline Courtesy Lounges

It happens in the VIP section of the supermarket.  (You don’t know about that, do you?)

Right now, I have a room in my apartment just for bags given to me when people thought I was Rich.

And if this Corona thing gets really bad, I’m going to survive off the oysters and caviar inside those bags.  As well as Bose headphones and other upscale goodies.

Back to the Rich people Conference.

So, I paid no attention to the gold bag with the Corona Virus Vaccine.

And went straight to take a bath in champagne and rose pedals because it was a long flight of drinking champagne without access to Wifi.

Pierre is rich, but not rich enough for a plane with Wifi.  Level up Pierre!!

On the second day, I remember there was a lecture called The Corona Virus Thingy is Coming.

Or Something like that.

But few people attended the lecture because there was a limbo party at the pool.  Bill Gates and Warren Buffett were there as well as the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.

And lots of free champagne and caviar.  But the caviar wasn’t great because it was hot and caviar is never great for a pool party.  Even though Caviar is always great.

 

 

Back to the Vaccine

So, once this Corona Thing blew up I remembered all of this and checked to see if I still had the gold bag.

I did.

In the gold bag were some amazing gifts.

Gift cards and exfoliating scrubs, secret passwords, free gold coins both Krugerrand’s and the delicious chocolate kind.

But sadly the chocolate gold coins had melted, which goes to show when someone hands you a bag of free stuff because you’re rich, you really need to open it.

I cant believe I spent $174,326 on elite Private Universities and no one told me that.

 

Back to the Golden Bag

 

So I Searched and Searched in the gold bag.  And then I found stuff from Gwyneth Paltro’s store Goop, which I don’t really understand why that’s a thing.  And why you would put stuff from Goop above a vaccine that will save someone’s life.

Sometimes the people who fill the rich people bags aren’t very smart.

Of course, they should put the life saving vaccine at the top and Gwyneth Paltro’s Goop stuff at the bottom, because she’s not as popular as the media wants you to believe.

And beneath the Goop Stuff was a vile with a golden post-it that read,  this is the secret Vaccine for the Corona Thingy. 

Use this when the time comes, but don’t tell anyone who’s not Really Rich.

But it did not define “Really Rich.”

Really Rich could mean many things.

Are we talking flying first class with a weekend lake house.

Or private jet owners only.

Its very confusing and open to interpretation.  I was going to consult my attorney, but he drives a Volvo.

So can he possibly be rich?  But you know, some people who drive Volvos like the safety and reliability, and are actually rich.

So, again its very confusing.

 

 

Where was I

Right.  I have the Corona Virus Vaccine.

And all those crazy people on the internet saying that the Rich people have the Vaccine are right.  But, they’re never right about anything, so no one believes them.

Tough pill to swallow crazy internet people.

Anyway, I haven’t needed it yet.  And I hope you don’t need it.

Also, here’s a heads up- when you read the directions, it says the Vaccine cannot be used within 6 hours of consuming Champagne.  Must be something related to the bubbles.  I don’t know if that includes sparkling water or sparkling wine.

I suggest you speak to your Sommelier or your family physician about the details.

A Sommelier is like a drug dealer, but for wine.

But real snobby and condescending and charges a much bigger markup.

One of the worst parts of being Rich is dealing with a Sommelier.

 

 

 

Anyway, I hope it works out for you and your family.

 

Seriously, I love non Rich people too.

Some of my best friends are middle class.

Well, more like Upper Middle Class.  It’s hard to know because some of them drive Volvos and Mercedes Benzes, but not the Maybach Mercedes Benz.  The new C class.

So, it would be helpful if Upper Middle Class people just drove the lower end Maseratti, so we would know if they’re Upper Middle class or not.

And now with Uber its all Very Confusing!

 

Anyway

I’m rooting for you!

Stay Safe

But don’t tell anyone about what I’ve told you.  Especially about the VIP Section of the Supermarket.

 

Cheers